Hey, do you all remember the poem Anne & Diana acted out in Anne of Green Gables?  The Lady of Shalott?  I read the poem once in high school, just to see what it was about, and today as I was listening to the celtic radio station (got bored after the third or fourth time I heard "Ain't No Mountain High Enough" on the Motown one hahaha) I heard it in SONG form!!!!  It was recorded by Loreena McKennitt... and I am DEFINATELY going to download it when I get home! 

Yesterday after work, I'd planned on going shopping for some kiddie artistic stuff, then going home and "playing" while I watched Macbeth.  By the time I got done with my shopping though, I was grumpy, tired, my head ached, my forehead was itchy, and I was just generally not in the mood to play.  LOL  So, I jumped in the shower, and then laid on the couch with my pillow, blankie, knitting needles, and Lord of the Rings: Return of the King in the DVD player!  Used a new moisturizing lotion, trimmed my toenails, messed with my cuticles, and then just watched & knitted away!

It was a WONDERFUL AD! I was really paying attention to the little details of the movie that made it come totally alive.  Two that stand out for me: The lighting in all of the scenes with the elves was AMAZING! The sound that Gandalf's staff made as he walked on the stone floors of ummm... somewhere LOL   It just made such a realistic sound.  

Went to bed afterwords, a MUCH more relaxed person.

At work today, which by the way this office is NOT 20 minutes away as promised, it was more like 30.  *sigh*  And we share a wall with Subway, so I've been smelling them all day... not really a bad thing hahaha!

So anyway, I'm sitting here at my desk, (so much for my no-blogging-today resolution eh?) listening to a Motown hit station... thinking maybe I was born in the wrong decade?  I think I should have been born about 1940... I would have been 20 when the sixties started.  Times of great social change... civil rights movement, bra burning, protests... I think i could DEFINATELY have dealt with that!  And plus, they had cute little dresses and come ADORABLE little hairdos!!!! *quietly singing along to a Supremes song*

Wore my hat all day yesterday, but it bugged me so I kept messing with it.  By the time I got home, I had some serious rash goin on! I slathered it good with moisturizer last night, so it's some better, but still itching like crazy today! I need to grab some moisturizer before church tonight.  I think I'll stick to wearing hats to church, and just for my 4 hour evening shifts at job #2 until I get used to them. 

Funny quote from a book Tinker has that gives suggestions for artist's dates: "Make a portrait gallery of your friends." The next day's entry was to "Draw on whiskers." Sounds awesome huh???? Though, I think I'd rather try to add mustaches!  *quietly downloading Mrs. D & Melba's pics from their websites* 

*smiling innocently and giggling quietly to self*

Reading "East of Eden" by John Steinbeck.  Any of you read it??  I'm a little less than halfway though it, and I am loving it.  In the beginning I noticed him seeming really anti-Indian and anti-women, but he just added a great Chinese character to the mix that makes him seem less racist.  I love the way he develops his characters.  As a "people-watcher" I am just amazed at how much time he takes to describe & develop the personalities of his characters.  He makes them seems as real as anyone you'd meet on the street!  He even includes little personality quirks!!!  

Just realized that you all needed to know that I'm wearing a hat today!! It's my beige one, and although it's itching my forehead to the point that I wanna scream, I'm wearing it anyway, because it looks cute! LOL 

Found this quote, posted by Eliza as a comment on Marilyn's blog.  Thought everyone (AW or otherwise) would enjoy it.

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God.

Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us. It is in everyone. And as we let our light shine, we give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

- Marianne Williamson

As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.  I think about this, as I think about "M", the 14 year old I was a mentor to.  Did my fear teach her to fear?  Did my example teach her to hide from who she really was?

As I start a new volunteer experience on Tuesday (working with hillbilly gheto kids! Hahaha how cool is that?)   Here's a quote from the first time I saw the kids:

"Whew... what an adventure.  No games or activities really planned cause we expected older ones.  Kids crying, kids hitting,... half with dirt all on their faces and body odor...

It absolutely broke my heart, and I think I'm addicted.   Something so special about a little boy with a dirty little face looking up at you with those heart-breaking eyes.  *sigh*"

As I work with THESE kids, I pray that I won't let my fears keep me in bondage, or I will only pass on or reinforce those same fears in their lives.  I pray that I can be the one who makes life a safe place for them,  tells them that life really is worth living, and that it IS safe for them to be themselves.  I pray that God will give me the strengh to reach out beyond my own fears of intimacy, to reach out to these hurting kids and give them love, encouragement, and support that might make a difference in their lives.  Who knows, maybe 20 years down the road, some young man or woman will be sitting at their computer, blogging about the Artists Way, and put me on their list of champions!

*feeling all weepy*

I'm glad I blogged about this, I'd forgotten in the 2 months since i'd last seen these kids why I'd wanted to get involved... now I remember.  :)  The smiles... the little boy who cries so easily but tries to hold it in and be "manly"... the little girl who's mama is in jail, who so badly needs a woman to show her how to do her hair, how to match her clothes, and other "womanly" things. 

*really weepy now*

So as I try this, please guys keep me in your prayers/thoughts/warm-fuzzy-whatever-you-believe-ins, that I won't be a failure in this. Things like this are what I was made for, why I'm here on this earth.  I get so easily distracted though sometimes, and forget what really matters.  But this is a new start.  The past doesn't HAVE to be repeated!!!! :)

Made it through the first week of AW!!!  I did my morning pages all but one day I think.  (2 at the most).  Did my artist date, completed half of my activities as suggested... just generally a good girl :)

So, for my weekly check-in:

1. I did my morning pages six out of seven mornings i believe.  I enjoyed them the first few, but the last two days I think I've been depressed or something... there just wasn't much inside for me to bring out. 

2. I did my artist date, you can read about it here.  Since then I've typed up the names & dates of the people on the stones, and sent her a few of the pics.  I need to send her the rest of the pics later today.   It felt great to be outside, great to be driving, but it felt a little too planned.  My inner child artist is WAY too ADHD for structured activities.  I think I'm going to look for little art things for kids, and then if my inner ADHD artist child gets bored, I'll let it color or draw or model or paint or whatever.  :)  Model... hmm.... *thinking that'd be a fun

3. Were there any other issues this week that you consider significant?  I realized that I've let people damage my self-esteem to the point that the REAL Jana has been driven into hiding, and the people who promised to help let her out ended up driving her deeper within herself.  I realized that I have a lot of anger at that group of people.  Maybe I'll write a letter yelling at them, and then burn it.  That might make me feel better.  Digressing again....  I learned that my blog readers, who are the people who probably see me in my most honest moments, don't think I'm plain. 

God and I had an interesting (long) chat the first couple of the days.  That was nice. I enjoyed "morning paging" to him... so now sometimes my morning pages are to him, but usually to... umm.... nothing.  LOL 

Now I'm a little down that the last couple of days I felt so empty, like there was nothing to say in my pages.  I know it's just how life is though, and in a few days I'll be back to my normal self, and I'll re-read chapter 2 and feel something perhaps... and life will be good again.  I hate days when I can't FEEL.  Maybe that doesn't make sense to anyone else... but some days it's just like someone turned off the emotion factory, and there's nothing there.  But it always passes... brighter days are ahead!

Hey everyone!!!!

Feeling kinda bummed today.  Worked last night, working today, then church - work - church tomorrow.  They needed someone to work in a local office, so I'll go to church, which ends about 11:30.  Grab food QUICKLY, then drive 20 minutes to work (by Noon), work til 5, grab food QUICKLY again, drive about 30 minutes to Jennifer's house, give her the key, drive 10 minutes back to church, which starts at 6... worship, then go out to eat with friends...  come home and collapse.

I work my 1st job 8 - 4:30 Monday - Friday, and then this week I'll be working Monday evening, volunteering at a ministry Tuesday, Church Wednesday (Feeding impoverished college students a homecooked meal! Which unfortunately means baking something *sigh*.... but at least it means I'll get a home-cooked meal! hahaha), then work Thursday....

It looks HORRIBLY depressing.  Why do I commit myself to this level of stupidity??? Because I'm tired of being poor, in debt, and in bondage to my debters.  Because I want to pay off my debts and be free to follow my dreams.  Gotta remember that.  I need to design some kind of artistic logo and tape it to everything I own, with the word "FREE."  All my AW friends are making themes for the year 2006, maybe that will be mine.  Free financially, free spiritually (from issues, laziness, etc.), free creatively,.... and preferably by the end of the year i'll be FREE FROM COLD INDIANA WINTERS cause I'll be traveling to somewhere WARM! Hahaha   FREE TROPICALLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  *feeling much better now*

I have a curiosity question for you all... I notice that there have been a lot of mention of visits to art galleries on your blogs. 

Now, I have never been to an art gallery, so I'm wondering... um... well I'm wondering a lot of things actually.

Like, what do you wear?

What do you do?

When you walk in, what does the little person at the desk say or do?

Is there anything around the works of art saying anything about them? If so, what kinds of things do they tell you?

As a person who has never been to a gallery before, do any of you have any wise advice for me?

I found a post at Kathryn's site about what to look for as you look at art, and it looks really helpful. 

Just think, in a week or so I'll probably ask the same question about the theatre (as in for plays, not just to watch a movie lol) or the opera, or the other millions of things that I, a former hillbilly, haven't experienced yet in my adult life.  LOL

YOU ALL WILL NOT BELIEVE THIS!!!!!!

Stopped by a local thrift store today.  Was kinda in the shopping mood, and wanted something blue to wear... I own almost nothing blue, and it's my favorite color! Well, didn't find anything much that qualified.... but I DID find:

1 Gray schoolgirl skirt with thin light blue lines running through it
1 White fancy turtleneck (the kind with the little lines... *sigh* I suck at explainations)
1 Beige fancy turtleneck
1 CUTE brown suit jacket, it's shiny with flowers! And it FITS!!!! I think it might look REALLY cute with the beige turtleneck!
Many books:
Drawing on the Right Side of the Brain (Syncronicity Anyone?!)
Great Jewish Thinkers
The Frontier Jews - An Account of Jewish Pioneers and Settlers in Early America
Gallaudet Survival Guide to Signing
Star Trek Memories by William Shatner
5 Paperback Suspense/Thriller/Mystery/Espionage books
1 Paperback Sci-Fi
1 Western for my Dad
1 Mystery book (surprise for one of my blog readers!)

Total Cost: $3.88 (*squeeling "CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?!"*)

Now I'm off to a gas station (large fountain Diet Coke & a Hostess Pie) and then to job #2!

I have reached 88% of my bandwidth, and I think it's calculated MONTHLY!!!!  So, I took all my pics and am hosting them at www.photobucket.com  So far it's working out well.

Here is one other pic I took last night & forgot to put online:
 

Here, do I look like a grown-up in that one?  Hahaha That's me, outside my car, wearing one of my new bandana-colored headbands.

I keep debating the idea of putting my blog on another site, like typepad... but I love a few of blogdrives features SOOOOO much. I love their e-mail notifications that people can subscribe to, and I love their tagboards.  

But, if this bandwidth thing doesn't work, I may have to take desperate measures, and move to another site.  *sigh*

Broken
Reaching Out
Cutting
Wanting Only
To Connect
To Hold
To Touch
Finding Only
Pain

Healing Comes
Wholeness
Reaching Out
Connecting
Touching
Caressing
Healing

*Written 1/11/06 after a deep "morning page"*
*Thinking about "until I allow myself to be healed, I have nothing meaningful to give to others.  Until my broken edges are healed, I can only hurt others when I try to reach out."*

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